January 2023 marked my initiation into a journey of increasingly relentless pain.

An x-ray revealed osteoarthritis in both hips.

The incongruence between where I was and where I wanted to be caused psychological distress. I began counselling to find peace with the fact walking, which once brought me so much joy, now caused me so much pain. Walking and simply being vertical is excruciating. I was also crushed by guilt and shame for being upset that I couldn’t walk when I’d had the privilege of being pain-free for the last 47 years or so.

There are people who have never experienced what it is like to be ‘able-bodied’, fully mobile, or pain-free. Yet here I am whingeing to a therapist because I’m getting old. I felt like a fraud despite my pain being very real and debilitating. Internalised capitalism and ableism also made it clear how weak, useless, and worthless it thought I now was.

This week MRI results revealed avascular necrosis in both femurs.

In less than a month a surgeon will drill ‘go faster holes’ into my right femur head in a process called core decompression. Should I be blessed to recover from this operation I get to repeat the process on my other hip. HIP HIP HOORAY!!! The idea is this intervention will prevent the need for a full hip replacement. Only time will tell.

I know I am in a privileged position to have access to the NHS. I have the opportunity to potentially prevent further pain. I am also blessed I can effectively work from home. It angers and saddens me not everybody is this fortunate.

I still need to process what is happening to me in this part of my life. I thought this may be a good platform to share what’s going on in my inner and outer worlds.

Exactly how does a tragic optimist approach such an experience?

Let’s find out how I can turn this potential ‘threat’ to my quality of life into a challenge to thrive, regardless of the outcome. HIP HIP HOORAY!

Maybe my vulnerability and lived experiences will resonate with someone in some way. Maybe they won’t.

May you be happy, be healthy, be safe, be free, and live with ease ❤

Onwards and hopewards xXx